I need to stop coming to work sober
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
