Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
