why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
