My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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