Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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