cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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