I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
