I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
