o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
