and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
