this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
