I puked a lego.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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