So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Randomize
