I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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