He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
