She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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