It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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