take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Houston, we have a squirter
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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