I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
