I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I want to be your penis for a week.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
