Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
