Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
