If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
