never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
