The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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