dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
