I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
