I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
