but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
