Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
should my penis look like a turkey
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
