Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I think i peed on brittanys purse
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
