I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
