Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
