I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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