I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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