I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
