Apparently you make a good broom.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
