she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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