DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
