Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
