i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
