I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Randomize
