i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
