Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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