She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
