thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
