I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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