Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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