they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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