Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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