who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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