I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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